Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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