Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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