god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
