Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
