Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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