9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize