Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize