One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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