There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
