I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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