On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
