i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
