she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
this hospital has no fireball
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I would ride that face into the sunset
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize