remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize