im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
As shirtless as possible
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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