Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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