I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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