Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
