My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
