at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
