She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
