She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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