Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Are we still banned from the library?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
