It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My ass is underappreciated
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
