onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
