I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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