The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
