I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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