I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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