I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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