There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
