I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
