So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize