i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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