When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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