Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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