he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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