i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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