i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
