i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
