He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
