I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
