the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
