I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
