the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
