I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
