i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
