I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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