I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
