Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
