So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
