So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
