You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize