some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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