I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
