Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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