I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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