I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
