I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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