Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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