woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
