Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
