It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
