omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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