Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
